Bailout Special
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Ok, another bailout special, truth is there are only so many bailout stories one can write. But now is not the time to wine about the difficulties of the satirist’s lot, with the chips down we have to…well do the best we can. We offer two different views on how bailouts will work going forwards, both by the same person.


Bailout  Special? Bailout Normal


For months now we’ve been talking about bailing out the bailouts, about multiple bailouts of the same banks about bailing out anything that moves from hamsters to bonuses for FX traders. We poke fun at it as if it’s a joke, but really we have missed the fundamental change in our economy. Bailouts are no longer one off events that should be greeted with great reverence and then hilarity when they themselves need bailing out, no in our new world bailouts are just another part of everyday life like walking the dog or driving to work. Bailouts are here to stay, we need to incorporate them in our daily life. This new era will see bailouts in the same light that we currently view political sex scandals. If you only get one in a week, things are slow.

            So we need to look at ways that we can incorporate them part into our daily routine so that they no longer cause distress, hilarity, shame or indeed any emotion. Firstly we need to rename them, bailout is too emotive a word. We need a technical term which means nothing in itself. Something with the word restructure in it, people seldom pay attention after that word is used. Cyclical capitalisation restructuring. Or even better a dull set of initals CCS. Could be a waste disposal company or one of those big conglomerates that nobody knows what they do.

            Next we need to get people over this whole money thing. All these billions being trailed around upsets the daily rhythm of peoples’ lives. We should going forward simply drop the billions when discussing bailouts. So a $20 billion bailout would be simply described as a 20 CCS. Now people can relax, even sleep whilst this is being discussed.

            Change is a difficult thing to deal with in our daily lives. It causes great stress. In these times of uncertainty and change we should do everything possible to ignore as much change as possible. It is crucial to our mental well being. Humans are an inventive species and we should continually look for ways to cover up unwanted events. We here at SATFIN will remain ever vigilant on our readers behalf.

Reworking the bailout


A major shift in policy is taking place in Washington. The whole process of bailout is being redesigned. In the Bush years we had the panic bailout. In it the government blindly panicked to what ever was troubling the markets at that nanosecond and looked to address it. As any plan would require considerable time to implement by the time the plan was ready the market had moved on to another problem so none of the plans got implemented.


But the new administration has a plan to solve this problem with the previous plans. They will think of everything that could possibly go wrong, plan a solution to each and implement all these plans together. The drip feed approach of doing one thing at a time, which in effect turned out to be doing zero things at a time is to be replaced with a big bang approach.


“It’s like having an illness and been given every medicine imaginable at once. It’ll probably kill you, but there is a small chance that it will cure you. And that’s better than the odds we’ve got right now” said an optimistic treasury official.


There will be a good bank, a bad bank, a mildly indifferent bank. There will be mortgage aid, there will aid for consumer credit. Capital will be pumped into the banks so that they can lend. A special rainbow will be created in the sky so as to cheer up banks and consumers so that they will spend more.


Small penguins will be released onto Wall Street so as to distract investors from their usual worries. These miniature penguins will land on investors’ desk and do a short song and dance routine about the virtues of investing in bank stocks.


“We’re pitching this as being a move away from blind panic, but in truth what it is is rather than being in a blind panic all the time, which let’s face is tiring, we going to have the mother of all panics in one go and then relax. Maybe get a beer,” stated another official who not surprisingly was reluctant to be named.

Write Down Retrospective


US government sets record for most bailouts in one year


Among all the terrible news that is being presented currently, one story stands above the rest in giving heart to a suffering world. The US government has just set a world record for most announced bailouts in 1 year, and they still have a month to go. In announcing the award the sponsors talked of a shining beacon leading the world to safety. “Whatever the world’s ills the US government has shown it can come up with a bailout for them. And only true genius could produce a bailout for previous bailouts. These guys can even solve problems of their own making.”

 As a prize the government will receive a cheque for $250 and some book vouchers. “This prize will go someway to help defray the costs of the bailouts as well as help us educate future leaders in how to produce bailout plans.” Officials also talked of the secret to their success a ‘factory line’ production of bailouts. “We have the whole thing streamlined from identifying the problem right through to the press conference” said one official. They are still working on the post press conference part of the exercise. “We admit we have been a bit slow in looking at the actual implementation of the bailouts, but that’s not our main priority at the moment. We need to focus on producing them.”

 Indeed the government has also won an award for most unimplemented bailout plans, but there was no prize money for this award. “Our investment portfolio isn’t doing so well, especially since the TARP was withdrawn and all the CMBS bonds went south, so we had to cut back on some of the prize money” said a spokesman for the awards.

            Still as Treasury officials note the money isn’t the real point. “Awards are a bit like bailouts, its not the money that’s important it’s the prestige of receiving one” said a senior administration figure.

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