Bailing out the Bailouts
We’ve reached a new stage in the
economic crisis, this stage is know as bailing out the bail outs(BoB to its friends). At this point rescue packages are being
implemented for the rescue packages. This is happening in a number of cases. The most high profile was the TARP plan whereby
the US government proposed to buy back poor quality bonds from banks. This did not
have any impact in helping to get banks lending to each other, so it was bailed out with a plan to inject capital into the
BoB has also happened on smaller scales.
Hypo bank the German real estate bank was provided with a government sponsored bailout plan one weekend only to see that bail
out fall apart in the week and a bailout of the initial bail out implemented the following week. Fortis bank was bailed out
a total of three times, by a huge array of various national governments. HBOS in the UK was initially saved by a government
structured takeover by Lloyds, but as that was coming apart the Government had to sure it up with capital injections to both
banks, So what has caused us to move into this new bizarre BoB world?
“The BoB world is a direct consequence
of politicians trying to solve the financial crisis…and failing. Fortunately they are given third and fourth chances.
I think their plan now is not really to solve the problems in the financial system but to so bewilder investors with the vast
array of actions that calm descends upon the market. It does appear to be working to a degree” said a guy we’d
never seen before.
“I think the governments are taking
a scatter gun approach. If they fire enough bullets one is bound to hit. They just keep coming up with bailout packages, pretty
much at random, until one works” said a financial advisor to the US Treasury.
Perhaps a more fundamental question is
what does reaching the BoB stage of the economy mean and what is likely to follow? Some people now believe that we are in
a world beyond economics. “It’s clear that we are now at a point in our society when all the basic rules of economics
are failing. This is a black hole of history. What we really need now is some sort of spaceship. Even if that didn’t
save us it would keep us amused while our civilisation descends into chaos” said Scotty Blaise of The Unexplained Phenomenon
and spaceships society (TUPASS).
Why bailouts fail
Last week showed decisively that the various
measures to bailout he economy and banks, and the various attempts to bailout the bailouts had all failed. With so many bailouts
in existence how could they all have failed? Many people are considering this issue, but we believe they are all starting
from the wrong point. They are all looking at the substance of the bailouts, whether the economics inside them is right. We
think this ignores the more important issue of the presentation of the bailouts. What the world needs now is calm, it needs
to believe it has a solution to it problems more than it needs an actual solution. So what has been wrong with the presentation
of the bailouts?
As we revealed last week one of the
strategies of politicians has been to have as many bailouts as possible in the hope that one is bound to work. Whilst we whole
heartedly support this policy it needs, at the very least, to appear coherent. If it appears to be the case that the authorities
are running round like mad men bailing out everything that moves with plans thought through for less than 10 second it may
give the appearance that they are not really in control of the situation. We acknowledge that they are not, but it is still
important to give the appearance that they are. Constant changing of minds (no nationalisation of banks, massive capital injections
to banks) also gives the appearance of incompetence. Going forward authorities should go to pains to link all their plans
together with an overall scheme regardless of the irrelevance of any such scheme.
A dog is also important. Dogs breed (not
literally) confidence. They are confident creatures. Big dogs scream stability. The next announcements should be made with
a dog by the announcer’s side. Food can play a part too, you always see actors in sitcoms eating and that’s because
it is comforting, it helps people relax. We need relaxation at this point. Now we’re not suggesting that the announcer
eats during the statement, but a few pizzas in the background will help the viewer relax. Obviously you will need a well trained
dog, you don’t want it eating the food, that smacks of disorganisation.
The old traditional staple for security, stone and pillars of stone, have been used as a
backdrop to the announcements. But we believe wood too gives a calming felling. A fireplace should as well be considered.
We want the viewers to feel safe and secure. To make them feel like they are with their parents again, with people who will
protect them. Calming music would help, some have suggested whale songs others the sort of sounds that might be heard in the
womb. But we think these people have been thinking (and maybe smoking) too much. Gentle
ballads are the best. Slightly heartfelt, leading the listener to drift off slightly into another world. Because here we’re
got the listener right where we want them, they feel safe they feel secure, comfortably reassured. All around them are signs
of stability, with this feeling we want them to gentle drift off. So they don’t listen to the actual words spoken.
What makes a good bailout?
Firstly you need to stress how hard the
bailout is. People have to work 48 hours in a row to make a bailout decent. And this must be done at the weekend. Tying into
this is that the bailout has to be hideously complex, otherwise people will wonder what you are doing. And it must be far
too complex for the general public to understand. They must only be able to understand the broad outlines of the plan. So
for the announcement, which is the most important part of the plan, you must
come out looking completely exhausted and then say, look we’ve done a bailout
that’s all you need to know, just be thankful. This is an important moment, because it is at this point that you could
get asked all sorts of awkward questions about why you’re bailing out, who you’re bailing out why X and not Y
and exactly where you are bailing this mess into. This is your moment of glory you don’t want to be asked stupid questions.
The key is the basics, tiredness and complexity. These are your weapons to dispel doubting journalists. If they attack a tired
man they will look mean and weak. If they start to get involved in complex discussions they will bore their viewers.
Now you need to consider what you are trying
to get out of this process. It is in fact a large rather shaky con trick that needs great skill to be pulled off. At its heart
the bailout means throwing enormous amounts of tax payers money at a bunch of people who have shown, if nothing else, that
they are not very good with money. And you have to get taxpayers to like you. If at any point anyone starts thinking about
what you’ve done then you’re in trouble.
What you need to do is to get them working on emotion. You must get them to think that here is an important man, here
is a successful man. This man has been working all weekend, it must be important. The man is wearing a suit and talking about
banks, so it must be complex. Now is the turning point, here you have to convince
them you are trustworthy, because from here two things can happen; they can look at you in panic, and this may lead to thinking,
or they can look at you and relax. You need to project gravitas. Speak in a deep booming voice. Have a large number of associates
behind you nodding when you speak. They too must look tired, serious and important. Make the presentation from an awe-inspiring
building. Pillars are good, pillars inspire confidence. The taller the better.
At its heart a good bailout is like any other con, form over substance. So if all the form fails your next bet is probably